Currently Listening to: Bloom by Beach House
Happy Hell-o-ween!
It has come to my attention that when I attempt to say the word ‘horror’ it comes out like I’m saying ‘whore’ instead. So for those curious, no, I was not watching a whore movie called The Babadook. Wonder if anyone truthfully thought I was talking about a whore film and questioned why I am so open with what I am watching… AHYHOW! Welcome to part two of the best and worst *ahem*… HORROR movies. When I was writing the first part it made me realize how passionate I felt about writing about how much I loved the movies being discussed. Now I’m sitting here thinking about how fun it’ll be to rip on the bad ones.
If you know me in any capacity if I really don’t like something I will make it very apparent that I’m not a fan of it. I frequently bring up how much I don’t enjoy candy corn during this time of year and even though I think the taste is gonna change every time I give this piece of garbage nightmare candy a second chance I always end up resenting it a bit more. The same can be said about these movies. Some of them have been so offensively awful that I would never give them another chance, but some of these I have given another shot and just get worse thinking about it. So here we go… FIVE terrible horror movies you most definitely should avoid.
The Worst
5. Haunting on Fraternity Row
Admittedly I should’ve known better going into this based off the title. I watched this one with my roommates last year and I’m pretty sure that we purposely had a ‘bad movie night’. We had just finished watching The Package, which is about a movie where this teenager drunkenly slices off his junk and they have to transfer him and his severed schlong to the nearest hospital before it’s too late. It’s as bad as it sounds. Then came Haunting on Fraternity Row. Wow this is bad. Sometimes you’ll come across a movie like this and it’ll purposely try to be dumb but the content itself is still fun like Freddy vs Jason or Zombeavers. This you can tell they were trying and it was painful to watch.
The plot is so lifeless and boring. Basically a frat house is having a massive winter party and something makes the house possessed and a being starts killing people. That’s it. Truthfully, this could’ve been a good premise for a movie if it had a higher budget and a better script. Having a haunted frat house would make for a good horror comedy. Instead we are stuck with this, a found footage film that makes no sense to be recorded like that in the first place. The dude behind the camera films EVERYTHING. The party prep, the drama, the people hanging out upstairs, some douche trying to scare people… oh yeah and there’s a party! What kind of frat guy is like ‘hey man remember that winter party when I hung up the streamers? Yeah man I was soooooo sober. Highlight of the day’?
You know exactly who is gonna die within the first ten minutes too. Everyone in this film is either annoying as hell or dumb with the exception of two people that I thought were going to live. Nope they die. Oh well then everyone is gonna die then, right? Yup. Nobody survives this movie. They all get attacked by the cousin of the smoke monster from Lost, the black shadow.
I think the most offensive part of this movie is that the monster (I think it’s a monster or demon maybe?) doesn’t make sense. The only way for the characters to defend themselves is if they’re in this room in a wall that accidentally got smashed during the prep for the party that’s full of convenient, copious amounts of lights. Okay, whatever that’s stupid but fine. Then when the teens go to hide the monster destroys the lights… Dude…
If I had said this was a horror movie and someone thought I said ‘whore’ movie instead, this is an occasion where I probably wouldn’t have corrected them. This movie is Alpha Sigma Sigma.
4. The Nun
The Conjuring 2 was actually a really great sequel and continued on a really strong franchise (outside of Annabelle). There were a lot of memorable scenes and characters, one such being a terrifying nun painting that jumped out of the wall and tried to kill one of the main characters. So naturally, the people did the exact thing they did with Annabelle and take a cool character or item from The Conjuring and make a whole movie about it.
What this and Annabelle have in common is that these could have easily been great. They weren’t. What those two movies do NOT have in common is that Annabelle is just okay, The Nun is not.
I saw this one in theaters and welp that was a mistake. The movie follows an investigation of the titular nun character that mysteriously died out of nowhere and now a priest and two other people (one is also a nun and the dude I think was a farmer or something I don’t know/care) go to the Vatican and get to the bottom of this mystery. Halfway through the movie I forgot this premise. My friends and I started cracking jokes. We all collectively loved The Conjuring movies so when it got to the point where we just kind of gave up and couldn’t stop laughing I was enjoying myself through the disappointment.
The funniest thing about the film is the score. I get that they were trying to go for a haunted men’s choir, but it just came off sounding like a morbidly, obese dude getting kicked in the dick and hearing his groans of pain in super slow-mo. That could’ve easily been made into a drinking game because this track was played at least ten different times throughout the movie. Best believe that every time that came up we would mimic the noise. People around us joined in too.
What The Nun did do well though was have a cool opening scene. I did kind of laugh at it too because the effects were lacking, but you would think after that scene it would be a really dark, somewhat scary movie. Nope. I jumped from a loud noise twice and that was that. I think the best part of The Nun was when Whoopie Goldberg came out and started singing songs from Sister Act to combat the evil.
3. The Quiet Ones
There was a span of time between 2014 to 2016 where I watched a TON of scary movies. I would say the percentage between good and bad ones were probably 15% good and 85% bad. Some of them had really good ideas and were just executed poorly, some had pretty good acting and some genuine scares and just had bad writing, and then there’s all of the above. The Quiet Ones is all of the above. There was just something about this one that was so awful that I couldn’t get it off my mind for months. Every so often I’ll go through my old lists of movies I’ve watched every year and then I see The Quiet Ones and I groan.
The Exorcist… I mean Silence of the Lambs… no that’s not right either… Sinister? Oh yeah The Quiet Ones! That movie is about these students that go with their professor to study these behavioral habits of this girl named Jane who seems to be possessed by an outside force of darkness. Together they try to analyze her behavior in order to help Jane get better while simultaneously gathering research for their class.
This movie is bits and pieces of every horror stereotype ever made. To the point where it is frustrating. It also fuels my cringe intake. There were many lines of dialogue and actions of the characters that made me question why I had paid $6 for this matinee bullshit. There’s also a lot that makes no sense here. There are a few exorcism scenes where the students attempt to retrieve this darkness from Jane and attempt to manifest it. In one such scene things get out of hand and they have to hold her down before she goes insane and for some reason a tentacle launches out of her mouth… This is never brought up again or even explained either. Is she being possessed by Cthulu? Is Squidward Tentacles controlling her every move with the sound of his clarinet?
As if this movie couldn’t get any weirder there’s romance. Oh yes love is in the air in this abandoned house. I feel God in this slanty shanty today! One of the students develops a crush on Jane and attempts to take her away from the house to ‘save’ her from cruel and unusual treatment. Ruining their research and the whole reason that any of them were there in the first place. Think about it buddy, is saving this girl really worth sacrificing your GPA? Anyways, then there’s this stupid plot twist that makes zero sense that I’m not even gonna try to explain because I personally still don’t understand it. You’re better off watching The Nun or Pitch Perfect 2, well maybe not Pitch Perfect 2.
2. Carrie (2013)
Some people really love the original Carrie and consider it a classic even. I can’t stand it. I saw the 2013 one first and had a very sour reaction to it. I thought maybe the OG Stephen King adaptation would be better, but I actually disliked that one quite a bit too. Maybe it’s because I grew up generations later than when the original story came out, but I don’t understand the bullying. Why are people actively trying so hard to make Carrie’s life so miserable? I get that she’s the nerdy, weird kid and comes from a troubled household, but why is she the target of everyone in the school? I just never found that realistic.
Both of these films are extremely similar, almost too similar. This might make the 2013 one worse by default due to lack of originality or trying to do anything different. The locker room scene, the prom scene, the ending (kind of) all note for note the exact same. There’s also a l At least in the original they made Sissy Spacek look somewhat like the reject kid and the mom looked like someone who was overbearingly religious. I’m sorry Chloe Grace Moretz is too good looking even in this film to be the outcast. Julianne Moore wouldn’t have been my first choice for insane, overbearing mother either.
Maybe the whole pig blood thing would’ve made more sense back then with their seemingly small town setting and given their resources, but it doesn’t really for a 2010’s film in a rural setting. The school they go to is clearly very nice and upscale and I don’t think pig blood would be a modern bully’s first choice for sabotaging a girl at prom. At least they didn’t make it TOO modern and cyberbully her by somehow sending a totally embarrassing selfie to everyone in the entire school and everyone checks it at the exact same time.
I’m perfectly fine with a director challenging an audience with a certain style or direction that makes people uncomfortable, but this one is just too yucky for me. The overbearingly religious mother is really underacted by Julianne Moore and to this day I still squirm and laugh at the line where her and Carrie are arguing about her dress being revealing and calls her boobs “dirty pillows” to which she angrily responds “they’re BREASTS mother!” Um… dirty pillows?
If you like this power to ya, I just find no redeeming quality to Carrie.
- The Intruder
What the actual deuce was this movie? Not only is this one of the worst horror movies I’ve ever seen, it’s probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen PERIOD. There’s so much to dissect from this pfft I don’t even know what to call it.
First off, I don’t really feel bad for these characters at all. They’re all snobby rich people who might’ve worked hard for their money but come as whiny teens using daddy’s plastic. The premise itself is just flat-out dumb. This extremely rich couple decides to buy this extravagant home called Foxglove that has a massive backyard and beautiful interior from this dude named Charlie (played by Dennis Quaid) who owns the property. The couple decide to purchase the house from Charlie, but the he seems to have a hard time letting it go. He still comes and mows the lawn and even sneaks into the house to arrange things to his liking. Why? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.
I haven’t seen a man in love with his house this much since Monster House. The massive gripe with this movie is the fact that all this could’ve been stopped had they called the police. Charlie supposedly killed his wife and his daughter ran off and threatened HIM she’d kill him if she tried to contact her again, she was never threatened. So why not call the police? Because that would make too much sense.
Annie (the wife) is an extremely ignorant sack of bologna. Every time Charlie comes over he is clearly hitting on her and she just allows it and thinks ‘oh he’s such a sweet guy’. Meanwhile she’s accusing her husband of cheating on her. Yeah OH-kay Annie. In her defense Scott (the husband) did cheat in the past, but supposedly that was worked out. Whenever Scott tells Charlie to leave she gets extremely defensive and says he can stay. Girl I’m pretty sure you didn’t drop a dime on the purchase of this place, let Scott make the decisions here. Charlie ends up getting angry at him and eventually runs Scott over with his truck. This is unknowingly at the time, but still I’m sure one can assume that it was him by the familiar truck that shows up to their house every day.
When discovering how crazy Charlie really is instead of calling the police what does Scott do? HE CALLS HIS WIFE. Bro?? You can probably guess he was in the house so what do you want her reaction to be?
Something that also needs to be said is Scott’s fear of guns. Charlie is a hunter and shows off his guns, but due to PTSD Scott is afraid to interact with them. So when it comes to defeating Charlie in a not-so-epic climax Scott picks up a gun, tells him to go to hell and the gunshot fades the screen to black. Insert the most inappropriate rap song for the credits to follow. There’s also a very randomly inserted sex scene that has no purpose other than to probably promote whoever’s R&B song was playing in the background. This happens a few times, where the music just doesn’t match the mood and I end up laughing. There’s definitely a dude mowing our grass and washing our dishes as we speak, but whatever let’s smash!
Charlie also ended up foreshadowing how Dennis Quaid is in real life to an extent. So to that I salute The Intruder for warning us. Imagine if Dennis Quaid’s character in Parent Trap and Charlie had a cross-over. How awesome would it be if kid Lindsey Lohan picked up the gun at the end and said go to hell before shooting her deranged dad?
Yeah, The Intruder is hilarious in all the wrong ways. It’s not a so bad it’s good situation, it’s truthfully so bad that it is bad and I find that hysterical.
Alternate Titles and Taglines
This is what these movies SHOULD’VE been called.
Haunting on Fraternity Row:
Alt Title: Are You Afraid of the Dark Bro?
Tagline: If you thought frat guys weren’t evil enough check out what’s in their basement!
The Nun:
Alt Title: The Conjuring Presents: The Nun (Nun’ ya business!)
Tagline: You wish this was Sister Act
The Quiet Ones:
Alt Title: Silence of the Exorcist that seemed Sinister, but was just a game of Ouija
Tagline: Worst. Group. Project. EVER
Carrie (2013):
Alt Title: Carrie White’s Fright Night Under the Lights
Tagline: This year’s prom theme… DEATH
The Intruder:
Alt Title: HGTV’s House Hunters
Tagline: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw
Honorable Mentions:
Ouija
The Visit (why was the kid rapping a part of the movie)
The Lazarus Effect
Malicious
Human Centipede
47 Meters Down: Uncaged
Ma
Pet Sematary (that’s how it’s spelled)
The Art of Vibing 