You’re walking down the same path you’ve walked to class for weeks. You wouldn’t expect anything different other than the views of the oak trees protruding over the you and the sight of a brace of ducks in the shallow pond following this gravel walkway. Everything seems fine until you hear an awful squawking coming from opposite the pond. Before you’re able to look up and pause your footsteps, you find yourself mid-slip in a pile of excrement. You fall on the cold, hard pavement covered in green and brown waste. Not only have you fallen to the level of nature, but you have also wet yourself in the process. You stare in dismay and embarrassment only to look across the pond to see that flock of black and white menaces to society known as Canadian Geese.

Ever since I was four years old I have had this massive hatred towards geese and I don’t think I am alone on that. They have the most obnoxious bird call known to human ear, they are mean for no reason, they’re uncomfortably big, their babies are ugly, and they SH*T EVERYWHERE. It is with full honesty and confidence that I can say I have never had a positive experience with one of these creatures. The most negative of these experiences being when I rode my bike down by our riverwalk when I was still in high school and a group of them unexpectedly jumped onto the path and I almost fell on one of their babies from braking too fast. One of the adult ones didn’t like that and hissed immediately and came within inches of pecking me while pedaling the opposite way.

Geese can also get you in trouble with the law. If you hit a goose while driving and leave the scene of the crime there is a federal law that can leave you with a nasty charge. I’ve done my research when it comes to running over geese and let me tell you… these dudes have it good. They can be assholes and poop wherever they want and they can get away with it and protected by law man. LAW. Look, I am in no way looking to kill another living creature, nor do I think I would have it in me to be a hunter. Why is it though that the one living thing that I would WANT to run over will get me in trouble? Just another reason to hate politics. I also found out that deer and cats aren’t protected by law and that you don’t have to notify the police if they are struck. Kind of strange.

Most birds have protection too, but it’s not too likely that you’ll hit a bird while driving that is in the air unless you have the Weasley’s car. After reading a little more I found out that it is very illegal to hit a badger, let alone have one dead or alive. Don’t know why anyone in their right mind would, but then again people also eat hardened laundry detergent (look it up, it’s real) so I guess there’s people out there.

Anyhow, I felt inspired to write this because every morning I am greeted to the wonderful screeching of sweet nothings by these fellas and they seem to feel like they own the entire college campus. It’ll be late at night and I’ll have to grab something I forgot in my car or something and there they are in both ponds by my residence hall cuddled up in the water.

My relationship with geese is best described as when you walked into class as a kid and you see your teacher is out sick and instead that one substitute teacher that no one likes is sitting in their chair (I’m looking at you Mr. Ramirez). I can safely say that geese are my least favorite living creature. If there’s any merit to their existence I guess I can say I admire their consistency and stubbornness in a weird way. Assholes.

Published by cpetschke

College student, writer, music lover, listener, learner.

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